One Year.

I'm a dates person. Dates, both good and bad seem to always stick with me. If you've told me your birthday, I probably remember it. If I lost someone I know, I remember it. Graduations, weddings, etc.. well you get the idea. Anyways, today is one of those dates -one year ago today, Allen and I saw those 2 pink lines for the first time. It was such an amazing feeling. We were so excited (and nervous)! I can't believe it's been an entire year. So much has happened since that day.. both good and bad.

Unfortunately, we still aren't parents. We found out we were pregnant again, 2 months ago. We kept the news mostly to ourselves until our first ultrasound. The ultrasound went great. We got to see our baby and hear the heartbeat - we were ecstatic. We finally shared our news with our families and a few close friends. Then.. 5 days later, once again, our hearts were crushed. I had another miscarriage. I had to have a D&C and we had to call the people we'd told to let them know that once again, we'd lost our baby. To say I was (am) frustrated would be a major understatement. I've gone through all the questions, the whys the hows, etc. I wish I could say I had answers and that I'm 100% better.. I'm not. I hurt. But I am healing.. slowly, with God, with time, with Allen.. each day I'm healing a little.

As with the other two, I am already starting to learn more about myself,  about my dependence on God, and more about Allen. I know God is going to give me a family - I have all the faith in the world that he has not only put this desire in my heart, but that he is going to fulfill it... I just don't know when. We are going to keep trying, and more importantly, keep praying. One Bible verse I like to remember is Psalm 37:4 " Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". - I believe this with all my heart. So that's what we are doing. We are continuing to praise and thank God and delight in his wonderful grace, mercy and blessings and we know, in his time, he is going to give us the desires of hearts.

I'm sure some of you reading this are wondering why I am sharing this with you. I have to be honest, that a lot of the reason I'm writing this.. is for me. It's therapeutic. But I've also realized through this last year that miscarriages are a lot more common than you might think. However, nobody talks about them. So, another reason I'm writing this is in case someone reading it has had a miscarriage or has struggled with infertility. I want that person to know they are not alone. I think God uses our trials and tribulations to strengthen us, but also so we will be able to help others in their time of need. So, I pray that this journey we are going through will teach us how to be more compassionate to others and how we can help others in times of need and heartache.

So, on this anniversary of learning I was pregnant, I continue to pray for a child. I pray that my heart will continue to heal and I continue to praise God for all my blessings, and even for these trials as I know they are molding me into a better, stronger, more faithful person. I'm looking forward to this next year and seeing all that God has in store for me and I am resting in this promise: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11.